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Deviant for 9 Years
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jesse1134
Aug 28, 2016
11:49 pm
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Aug 27, 2016
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Activity


Fragile colors of life disappear
Your lips, your voice calm my fears
Memories hemorrhage as the end nears

In your embrace
I will be…
I will be numb…
I will succumb…

Sun setting upon eminence
Embracing my illuminating permanence
Darkness I evanesce

By
Enigmatic
Upon life there is wonders and wondrous worlds to explore
An insight to what makes you feel alive.
Words, Art, even music, these things that blend a reality for you and your harmony.
No matter the time, there is always a sunrise in this world waiting for you to wake upon.

Enigmatic
I am lost and confused
Surrounded by myself
Feeling off and on
Floating around
Sinking alone
When I am awake
By
Enigmatic
Today
Randomness words
I do these off and on
like a artist doodling I suppose
I do write many of these random verses..
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We are lost in the vigor of translation
Your voice drunk in the sounds of passion
No words can decrypt our expression

Forever in transmission
Devoured in devotion

Day after day your words melt my prison(life)
Quite tones burn away the poison(heartache)
As your touch brings me salvation(love)
By
Enigmatic
A Solemn slumber on murky wake
Dusk allure no sleep for day break
Among silent moor quiet midnight rakes

Emptiness looms mild on atmosphere
Somber gathers small to last revere
Doomed to fall to dying fear
To one last tear
By
Enigmatic
Last Tear
Something dark
and different
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Hello All! It's been 7 months since i was diagnosed with Lymphoma( a blood Caner) But the type i have is a super rare, my Doctor said it was a .1% of all Lymphoma that is out there. before I found out i had this Lymphoma, I wasn't feeling well for a month or so. I noticed a small bump on my upper thigh area the groin area. It looked like a bug or spider bite so i didn't pay much attention to it. Also at the same time i had food poisoning the same day i felt this bump. For a entire week i was in bed with food poisoning.

A Month went by and i noticed my leg hurt from time to time when i walked. I figured i pulled a muscle or something. Time passed and it was getting worse, so I decided to go the hospital there the doctors looked at the area and said i had an inflamed Lymph Node. I wasn't sure what that was, they told me that i should get a C.A.T scan to make sure it is only inflamed or if it was something else. Weeks passed waiting for the hospital to approve this scan.

July 31, 2015 i woke up and my leg felt great and then went to work and things were looking good until around 2pm i got a call that i was approved to get the scan, but there was no scheduled date so i would have to wait until the hospital will find a time for me to do the scan. A little time passed and I felt my leg starting hurt but this time it was hurting more than usual, i couldn't sit for a long time and i had to walk around and that was starting hurt me too. My boss asked me if i was ok, I told him my leg is starting to hurt again. He asked me if he need to call 911. I told him no, it ill pass. He asked if i wanted him to take me to the emergency room. I said no i will be ok. Time passed and it was getting worse and worse, i started to think i should go the emergency room, i looked at the time and it was close to the end of the day so i called my mom who worked close to where my office was. I told her if she could take me to the emergency room since i couldn't dive my car. I told my boss was going the ER after work so i don't have to fill out a leave form.

My mom picked me up and we went to the ER and there they checked the area and gave me pain meds since i was in so much pain. The ER doctor was looking at the reports and looked at the tests they took and he said "i think you need to get a C.A.T scan right away. I told him i was waiting for the hospital to approve me for one, and told him how long i waited. He said "that is a long time to wait! you need to get one right now, If i can find a hospital to get you a scan would you go?" i said "YES!!" so they found a hospital that would take a scan, though i had to wait a very long time to get me admitted to the hospital but the next day they did the C.A.T scan.

The doctors told me there were many possibilities why that lymph node was inflamed but they are more lymph nodes that are inflamed too. I asked where? the doctors said in the chest area the stomach area and the groin area. I didn't know what to say. So they said it might be valley fever or something else, they didn't want to say what it might be. So they said they were going to do a Biopsy on one of the lymph nodes to make sure what it might be. I never had surgeries or Biopsies in my life. I have heard family and people say once you get on the operating table and breathe in the knock out gas you don't remember anything. That is what happened i remember waking up after they done the Biopsy and all i remember is breathing in the gas and i was out.

I was in the hospital for a few days since it was on a weekend i wouldn't get the results back for a couple days. As time passed i was trying to get the Anesthesia out of my system since it was hard to breathe and i was very weak and still lightheaded. I remember they moved me into a different Ward in the hospital and it was kind of comfortable. My family would come by and see how i was doing, and i would fall asleep and i wouldn't see who came to visit.

The results finally came in, and the doctor who saw me said he was an Oncologist i didn't know what that meant, then started to tell me what the results were, he said "my friend i am sad to say that you have Lymphoma, and its a rare kind of Lymphoma" he went on explaining what type it was in medical terms, i was confused what Lymphoma was and an Oncologist. He then said "this type is an Aggressive and it is unforgiving, i want to be aggressive with Chemotherapy treatment." I asked what is Lymphoma? he said "it is a blood Cancer"

At the moment he started to tell me what i had, my cousins and my mom and sister was there and i started to get scared. I wasn't scared of knowing i have Cancer, i was afraid of the unknown! I never dealt anything like this. I was scared for a minute or two. Then i said to myself at that moment "OKAY!!! I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP!! I AM NOT GOING TO LET THIS THING KILL ME!" i was ready for the next step. I wanted to get treatment as soon as possible. The last thing he said "i want to get a biopsy of your bone marrow, right now you are at a stage 3 and if it gets into your bone marrow then it would be a stage 4 which mean it is going to be a lot harder to get you into remission or get a transplant"

So the next day they did the biopsy and the cancer didn't get into the bone marrow. I was relieved!! after a few days i started the Chemotherapy, it was hard for me because of all the side effects and how much it gave me headaches and nausea. for three days was in pain from the chemo, it was hard on me. I would take the Chemo every three weeks for three days straight. I remember i wanted to go home because i started to hate it in the hospital, but my family didn't want leave me alone at my house so my siblings would come and stay with me.

A month passed and i tried to go back to work but it was hard for me to work, i had to on Family Medical Leave, but i exhausted that. I had to fill out paper work for Leave of Absence, that expired and on December 4th was my last session of Chemotherapy and after that i had to get a scan to see if the Chemo worked, It did but not for that location where it was hurting, So i would have to post pone the bone marrow, and since the cancer was still active i had to do another session of a different chemo to see if it will kill the left over cancer. I started that in January and last Tuesday i finished my second session of that treatment i have three more to go and i hope it works so i can get the transplant.

Its been so hard for me, the aches and pains of my muscles and the super fatigue i have, i had to resign from my job since i am always sleeping and the numbness of my fingers. I have never gotten depressed or given up hope. Though as time passes it starting wear on me. Though i am not giving up, i am just hurting inside from side effects and i want things to go back to normal... or rather have a new beginning. Since I started chemo i have had many ER trips due to my immune system being so low and my white blood count being so low as well.

The last ER visit was a scary one, it was just 2 weeks ago and i was laying in bed around 6 am and i felt my chest hurting and my back, my head was hurting and my jaw started to hurt too. I remember the doctor told me that if you have all these symptoms to call 911, it is a sign of a heart attack. I remember laying in bed thinking it might not be. I got up from my bed and i went to see if my mom was still in her room(i forgot i had to move back to my moms since i didn't have income to pay my rent for me house any more :((((  she wasn't there i called her and she said she was already at work and said i am not feeling well and i think something is wrong so she came home and called 911 and the Paramedics arrived soon after and they took me the ER and there they did tests and gave me morphine. The WEIRD thing is that the results came back negative and saw nothing was wrong. I got scared because i was afraid i was going to die. since that day i been okay.

Well that is where things are at right now, my hair is finally growing back, The first round of Chemo I lost my hair almost in a week :( that scared me when i saw it just fall out. I still fighting this thing and i am not giving up, though physically i am still weak and i am still in pain most of the time, but i am spirit is still strong!!! I have one thing to say:

FUCK CANCER!!!!
  • Listening to: Ulver - Semptember IV
  • Reading: NA
  • Watching: Densha Otoko
  • Playing: NA
  • Drinking: Iced Tea

deviantID

EngimaticNDN
Craig
Artist
United States
Current Residence: Arizona
Favourite genre of music: hard rock, Melodic Death, Gothic doom,jpop, Classical, Neo Classical, Neo Folk, Punk, Reagge,indie
Operating System: Windows 7
MP3 player of choice: hmmm, i prefer FLAC!
Shell of choice: turtle
Skin of choice: red, my skin
Favourite cartoon character: Daffy Duck(the oringal looney tune, not the up to date one) Rocko, Doug, there is more lol
Personal Quote: what tomorrow brings
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:iconpattyfeet:
pattyfeet Featured By Owner 7 hours ago  Hobbyist Photographer
thanks for the watch 
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:iconengimaticndn:
EngimaticNDN Featured By Owner 6 hours ago
You are welcome :)
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:iconthegirlcansmile:
thegirlcansmile Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2016
thank you so much for the watch, so appreciated!Heart 
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:iconengimaticndn:
EngimaticNDN Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2016
Much welcome :heart:
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:iconcokeboy:
cokeboy Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for dropping by my page! :thanks:
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:iconengimaticndn:
EngimaticNDN Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2016
you are welcome :)
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:iconkaiyuan:
kaiyuan Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2016  Student Filmographer
Thanks so much for the watch~! really appreicate it.
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:iconengimaticndn:
EngimaticNDN Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2016
It is my pleasure! I like your work
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:iconcustomwaifus:
customwaifus Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2016   Digital Artist
Thank you for the watch and helping my profile grow! I really appreciate it!
I hope you'll continue enjoy and support my art! <3
Banner -Jinx/NightElf/Morrigan (Free to Use) by customwaifus
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:iconengimaticndn:
EngimaticNDN Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2016
You are welcome :hug: I enjoy your work! I will always keep faving and enjoying your amazing art!
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